‘Tis the season

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“The Force is strong with this one.”

–Darth Vader to himself, in Star Wars IV: A New Hope

I’ve always enjoyed Xmas (I know. Duh, who doesn’t – except you grinches out there.). Every year my wife and I debate about how best to setup the tree with the gifts: leave the gifts under the tree until Xmas, placing them there little by little over the course of the days leading up to Xmas, or leave it empty until the morning of Xmas day? I like the latter approach. I get a kick out of playing Santa, placing the gifts under the tree the night before while my kids are sleeping (and I like the cookies too :)). My brother preferred it that way too.

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An interview with Louis Pagan

“With great power comes great responsibility.”

–Uncle Ben to Peter Parker, in The Amazing Spider Man

I was browsing my brother’s blogs in the archives looking for a particular something he had posted (I’ll find it one of these days.). As usually happens in life, I came across some surprises instead. Among them I rediscovered a gem of an interview with my brother several years ago. I was proud to read it then and I’m proud to read it now.

I’d just like to comment on his first two responses. As is probably obvious by now, both my brother and my mother were (and remain) my role models (along with Spidey and friends ;)). So many folks are quick to point to their hardships growing up and let them define them. My brother chose not to. With that he positively influenced not one, but (at least) two lives instead.

I hope you enjoy the interview as much as I do. (Thanks Lori!)

Body art

“Always be yourself, express yourself, have faith in yourself, do not go out and look for a successful personality and duplicate it.”  –Bruce Lee

Just before my 13th birthday, my brother and I went down to 42nd St to get my ear pierced. The older guys had their’s pierced and I wanted an earring too. My mom knew about it, so no big deal.

“Is it gonna hurt?” I asked.
“Nah. They’ll use a gun and you’ll just feel a click,” he said. And so it was.

A few years later, my bro wanted a tattoo. Back then it wasn’t as popular as it is today – it was a big deal. He was the first to get a tattoo out of any of us. We all thought it was cool. He hid it from my mom at first. Then he started walking around without a shirt or with sleeveless shirts so she could see it.

First day went by – she didn’t say anything. Second day – she didn’t say anything. Third day… Days turned to weeks.

“Mommy see your tat?”
“Yep.”
“How you know?”
“She had to’ve,” he said.
“Sure she saw it?”
“She must’ve, I’ve been walking around all summer without a shirt.”
“What if she didn’t see it?”
“She saw it.”
I’m thinking, “She couldn’t have seen it. I mean, she woulda went nuts, right? But it’s been right in her face for over a month already. She had to’ve seen it, right? Maybe she saw it and doesn’t care?” Yeah, right.

A few days later, my bro is walking around the house with a tank top on, and my mom says:
“Louis, what’s that on your arm?”
“Uh, oh,” I thought.
“That? That’s my tatoo.”
Then I saw my mom do what she always did when she was pissed: the infamous ‘lean back against the wall’. “You got a tattoo?” she asked. And there it was. They got into it.

Lou, Louie, and Louis

“A rose by any other name would smell as sweet.”

–Juliet, in Romeo and Juliet

By which name to call him by; by which name to remember him? Depends on when you knew him. His friends who knew him from when we were younger still call him Lou or Louie. But as he got older, he preferred to be called Louis and would introduce himself as such. I bet the distinction wasn’t obvious to most, but I knew. I could immediately tell how far back he and someone went by the way they saluted him. So why the name game anyway? It all goes back to an inside family joke.

The folks on my father’s side of my family like to drink (I know: shocking.). My uncle was no exception. He was kind of sloshed on one particular occasion and went on about his name for no particular reason. His name was Louis; my brother was named after him. “My name ain’t Lou or Louie. Don’t be like: ‘Hey, man. Hey Lou, hey Louie, man,’ like we’re in the street. Don’t call me that s***, that’s b*******. My name is Louis – the name of kings!” What the hell was he talking about – someone French in our family? We didn’t know, but we laughed about it all the time. And, you know, it made sense when we thought about it. My brother took note. Suddenly, he had a newfound appreciation for the name ‘Louis’, his given name – the name of kings.

Lou, Louie, and Louis, one and the same – my brother.

One not-so-fine summer’s day

“For whatsoever a man soweth, that shall he also reap.”

–Galatians 7

What had started as a fine summer’s day was now one full of peril. The boat is now less than a couple hundred feet from them. I remember feeling very panicked about it all. I couldn’t believe they would risk life and limb just for those things. All of us are yelling for them to get out of the water, even the crewmen of the ship – its horn blaring. The only way out now was to swim out of the channel.

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One fine summer’s day

“They’re all gonna laugh at you!”

–Margaret to Carrie, in Carrie

It’s deep water there in the middle of the bridge; it has to be deep enough for the boats to get through. As usual, we were all jumping in, including Johnny (who along with the Junkyard Dog and Rowdy Roddy Piper had tagged along uninvited.). Everyone’s having a good time, but after a while he notices something’s amiss:

“Where’s my clothes?” he asks.

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Mindwarp

“… to boldly go where no one has gone before.”

–Captain Jean-Luc Picard, in opening credits to Star Trek: The Next Generation

When I was a junior in high school, all my classmates were discussing their college ambitions and preparing their college applications. This one wanted to be a lawyer, that one a doctor, the other one an engineer, and on and on and on… Everyone was so excited, but me. I had no clue what I wanted to study, let alone what I wanted to be. But I knew I should go to college. After all, our teachers had always reinforced that. But they never said what we should do once we got there. I had transitioned from being an underachiever to an overachiever (that’s a whole other story) and was doing well in all my classes, even science (which I had always thought sucked.). The only subject I enjoyed on some level was math.

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Dog Story

“The supreme art of war is to subdue the enemy without fighting.”

           –Sun Tzu, The Art of War

I’m hanging-out with my dog today: Bubbles Ñeñe Pagan. I never met a gentler dog; He wouldn’t hurt a fly, honestly. And he’s great with the kids. I love this dog, I really do. Every time I look at him, every time, I’m reminded about the day he became part of the family and how it almost didn’t happen.

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Picking-up where he left off…

“He’s not really gone as long as we find a way to remember him.”

     –Dr. McCoy to the Enterprise crew, in Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan

It’s been a month since my brother passed. I lost my best friend. At his service, I had shared some stories about him and had reflected on his life in my eulogy. It was a painful process to prepare for but, surprisingly, it really cheered me up. The process of reliving all my memories of him just made me very happy.

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