“Look down there… No, look harder. You see? He lives in you.”
–Rafiki to Simba, in The Lion King
Whether it’s a triggered memory that lingers for a while or one of my habits (like reaching for my cell to exchange texts with him as I’d done several times a day, every day, for the last several years), something reminds me of my brother every day.
As I shared in my first post, I had decided I would write these memories down to preserve them. A part of me was very territorial about them at first: they were my memories and I saw no reason to share them with anyone. But I had soon realized that would be both selfish and foolish. Many of them are just between the two of us anyway, so who would I enjoy them with now ? They won’t do anyone any good in a private memoir or stuck in my head. Gone are the days where I would kick back with my bro and cruise down memory lane. It’s a new, somber day unfortunately.
Something else, too: the world just doesn’t seem right anymore (at least to me); the universe (assuming we’re not in only one out of a possible multiverse) seems out of harmony, out of balance. Even the blogosphere itself is different now, deprived of one of its great champions. Well, I think it should be about the greater good. I understand that he lives on through his children, through us, through all the lives he touched. It’s my hope that this blog adds some color to the palette of who he is.
With this kind of loss, no one can truly feel how you feel. Not your best friends, not your children, and not even your spouse. I went through similar situation when my father passed away one year ago. People say they know how I feel but they actually don’t. But I don’t blame them. Also, just as you miss the way you reach the cell to call your brother, I also missed my father’s weekly phone call to listen to him complain about many things. Yes, I was annoyed when he complained. But now I just wish I can hear his voice again. Hey, through all these, what I learned is that I need to love my family and others when I still can. You never what will happen tomorrow. Moreover, I learned I need to love God as well… I am much more committed into Christianity nowadays. To me, it is not just comfort, but answer as well..
I think it is great that you share about your thoughts and your past with your brother in a blog. It is a good way to remember him. It will take a while for your sorrow to subside, but the memory will never fade….
Pohwa (CreditStudio dude with 2 doggies)..